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Cross-posted from Hentai



Title: Happy Mushroom Brand Cooking Oil
Fandom: Kuroshitsuji
Author: kira
Chars/Pairs: Duchess/ Cook from Kuroshitsuji’s “Ciel in Wonderland,” aka Soma & Agni and the Cheshire cat, aka Grell
Genres: romance
Warnings: none
Word Count: 950
Summary: The Cook buys an unusual brand of cooking oil, prompting the Duchess to want to play with him… err… it.



The Duchess trod lightly, trying to keep from kicking up pepper dust as he strode across the floor. “Ooh…” he said as he approached his beloved Cook, “What are you doing?”

“I found this oil at the market the other day and I was wondering if I could use it to make a new curry dish for you, my Duchess,” the Cook replied as he looked over the rows of spices he used for curry.

The Duchess picked up the bottle of oil. “Caterpillar Brand Love Oil? Unusual name for cooking oil, isn’t it? And why is pink… err… blue?”

“May I see that, my Duchess?”

He handed him the bottle.

“My Duchess, I give you my word, that’s not the bottle I bought, nor is it the bottle I took out of the pantry a few minutes ago.”

“Really?” The Duchess blinked. He wondered if the pepper dust was getting to his beloved Cook.

The Cook nodded. “The oil I bought was called Happy Mushroom Brand Cooking Oil and it had a picture of naked woman wearing a mushroom cap on her head.”

The Duchess laughed. “And you got it cuz you know what they say…”

“No, what?”

“Everything’s better with a naked woman!” the Duchess tittered.

The Cook laughed. “Yes…” He looked down at the bottle and the Caterpillar on the label took a deep drag on his hookah, before blowing some pink smoke at him. “Did you see that?”

The Duchess shook his head, nearly sending his headpiece flying. “See what?” He peered at the bottle.

“Try it… you’ll like it!” the little Caterpillar said.

The Duchess and the Cook exchanged glances.

“No, really. You should try it. When the oil’s blue, you’ll be smaller and when it’s pink, bigger…” He winked at them.

“Do you think we should, Cook?”

“Well, if that is what my Duchess desires, so shall it be…”

“Yes! Come, Cook!” The Duchess turned, and walking daintily, so as not to kick up clouds of pepper dust, he started to head towards his room. “Oh, and leave a saucer of milk for the kitty. We don’t want him spying on us again. I still have nightmares about those huge green eyes watching us share kama.”

“Yes, my Duchess,” the Cook replied as he hurried off to do his bidding. After setting down the rather larger saucer of milk, the cat, which looked liked a large whiter tiger, sauntered over to it. He rubbed against the Cook’s leg purring loudly. “Enjoy, kitty…” The Cook patted him, before heading upstairs.

“Meow!” the tiger, now a strange-looking man with long red hair, said as he watched him go.

The Cook, following a trail of strewn clothing, found his beloved Duchess, lounging in bed. He gently swirled the contents of the bottle as the Cook hurriedly shed his own clothes. He joined his beloved in bed.

“Oooh… look! It’s now lavender! I wonder what that color does…” the Duchess said as he poured some of the oil onto his palm. Rubbing his hands together to warm it, he greased up his lover’s cock with the now pink oil.

The Cook felt a rather pleasant tingling, before something strange happened. His cock began to grow to enormous lengths. “Quick open the window!” he cried as he leapt off the bed.

The Duchess immediately went to do his bidding. Eyes wide with wonder, he watched as the gigantic cock headed his way. Unable or unwilling to get out of the way, the Duchess grabbed a hold of it, only to find himself minutes later, hanging naked out the window. “Help!!”

“I can’t reach you, my Duchess!” the Cook replied. If this was not a peppermill moment of doom, he didn’t know what was, and only the Duchess’ insistence that he leave it downstairs, prevented him from flinging freshly ground pepper everywhere.

“I’m going to fall! Try rubbing some blue oil on your cock!” the Duchess wailed.

“I can’t reach the bottle, my Duchess!” the Cook cried as he tried to reach the tantalizingly close bottle of love oil, where it sat, nestled, on the lavender silk sheets.

“Kitty!!” the Duchess cried. He nearly let go when a large pair of green eyes appeared next to him. “Save me, Kitty!!’

“Meow…” the eyes, or rather the large shark-toothed grin said as it materialized, followed by the rest of the Cheshire cat. “Depends… can I watch?”

“Ummm…” the Duchess replied. He hated the idea of an audience when sharing kama with his beloved Cook, and yet, the thought of falling naked into the garden below, was equally unpleasant. “Okay, Kitty, you can watch. Now, save me please…”

“Meow…” The Cheshire cat’s grin grew even broader. “Okay…” He brought the helpless Duchess back through the open window. Settling down to watch, his attention was drawn by a movement in the far corner of the room. “What do we have here…?” Ignoring the Duchess and the Cook, he sauntered over to the two tiny mice that lived in the Duchess’ palace.

“It’s blue… that should make you smaller, no?”

“I believe so, my Duchess,” the Cook said as they slathered on the blue oil. He immediately returned to normal size.

“Oh thank goodness!” the Duchess cried. “I shudder to think what would have happen if that got that big…” he tittered, “you know…”

The Cook nodded. “Yes.”

“Shall we share kama?”

“Perhaps another time, my Duchess.”

The Duchess pouted.

“If that is what my Duchess desires, so shall it be.”

The Duchess smiled when his beloved Cook wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. “It is…” he said huskily as they kissed.

Picking him up, the Cook carried him off to bed…

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the Duchess of Crack! and the Queen of Fluff

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