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The Pregnancy Test and Other Assorted Nonsense

By Kat and kira

Wolfgang puttered around the kitchen, making lunch for himself. His youngest child, Dieter, had run up to the store with his “daughter,” Amber, while his eldest, Bernhard, was upstairs in his room, studying and doing his homework. He sat at the table with a sandwich, some leftover potato salad, and a cup of coffee. Reaching for the newspaper, he read while he ate.

It was while he was reading the sports section, that Amber and Dieter came home. She breezed in with her bag and an armful of the various magazines she liked to read. Dieter was close on her heels with his purchases for his flour baby project.

“Hey, Vati.”

“Didi.” Wolfgang set the paper down and smiled. “Did you get the stuff you needed?”

“Yeah.” Dieter set his bag on the table and started emptying his bag.

“Did you two have lunch yet?”

“I’ll make something later, Vati,” Dieter said.

“Okay. And you?”

“I was going to get something with Bernd when he’s finished, Vati, so you don’t have to worry,” Amber said as she set the stack of magazines on the table, before she dropped them as they were heavy. They ran the gamut from Bon Appetite to Tattoo, Vogue to Horror Film, and Death Metal to Revolver, along with one on horses for Bernd.

“Do you need me to help you bring them down to your room?” Dieter said.

“Thanks, Didi, but I think I’m going to wait a bit.” Amber, whose arms were tired from carting around her stack of magazines, slowly took off her granny sweater. She walked over to the mudroom and hung it up in her cubby. She walked back into the kitchen just as Dieter took out the pregnancy test he bought for his project along with a couple of baby magazines. Ignoring everything around her, she sorted them out by subject into neat little piles. They were the only things she really splurged on and besides, Dieter loved perusing the paperbacks for the latest romance novels, so she could spend as much time as she wanted looking them over, hence the large assortment she came home with.

Wolfgang was about to go back to eating his lunch and reading the paper when he spotted the pregnancy test. His eyes went wide and he nearly choked on his coffee.

“You okay, Vati?” Amber asked.

Wolfgang nodded. He pretended to be interested in the paper as he needed a minute or two to sort things out in his head. It was all he could do to hide the mounting panic he felt at the thoughts that were running around in his head. He knew Bernd and Amber had a physical relationship, as he had caught them together a few times, much to his dismay, but he had been assured by both of them, and especially Amber, that they took precautions against pregnancy.

“Vati, I’m going to bring some of this up to my room. Can I sit in your study and read when I’m done?”

Ja…” Wolfgang said distractedly.

Dieter gathered up everything, except the baby magazines and the pregnancy test, and headed upstairs to his room.

Wolfgang waited a few minutes to make sure his son was upstairs and was not coming back, before he spoke. “Amber?”

“Yeah?” She was busy rummaging through her bag, making sure she had everything she needed to take care of her new piercing and Bernd’s candy.

Wolfgang reached over and picked up the pregnancy test. “What’s this?” He was so afraid she was pregnant; he was surprised he was able to speak.

Amber looked up from her rummaging. “It appears to be a pregnancy test.”

“And…?” Wolfgang forced himself to be calm, although, he was an inch away from storming upstairs and dragging his eldest down for an explanation. “There’s nothing you and Bernd need to talk to me about?” He set the box on the table and pushed the pregnancy test towards her, waiting for an answer.

Without giving it much thought, Amber replied, “I don’t know why Didi bought that. They already have a flour sack.” She was relieved he had not been snooping around her room and discovered her animals, or saw her piercing, or any of the other things she carefully kept from him. Although, she did try to figure out why he was snooping in the first place, but came up with nothing since, tired and hungry, her brain felt like mush.

“Wait, Didi bought it?” Wolfgang blinked.

“Yeah, I said that already.”

Wolfgang frowned. “Okay… But why would he get it? He doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

Amber took her little gel ice pack out of the bag along with Bernd’s rock candy. “I told you, I don’t know.”

“And he didn’t hear you and Bernd talking…?”

She blinked. “He spies on us a lot, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” She walked over to the fridge and put her ice pack in the freezer. She then looked for a Tupperware container to put the rest of the things needed to take care of her piercing in.

Wolfgang covered his face with his hand. “And you’re sure he didn’t see anything to make him think you needed it?” He wondered if his eldest was bragging about his exploits and gave his youngest the idea that Amber was pregnant.

“Not that I can think of.” Amber came back with the Tupperware and began putting her saline solution, zinc, vitamin C, Echinacea, ibuprofen, tea, and eye washing cup in it. She closed it and looked in her bag.

“You don’t think Bernd said something to him to make Didi think you needed it?”

“No.” Amber frowned as she looked in her bag to make sure only the condoms and Plan B were in it. She rolled down the top of the bag, closing it.

Wolfgang sighed. “Forgive me for prying, but…” he started, only to find it very hard to come out and actually ask her.


Bowing to the inevitable, he said softly in almost a whisper, “You’re not pregnant, are you?”

Amber’s eyes got big. She pushed the Tupperware container towards him, before opening the bag with the condoms and Plan B in it, and dumping them on the table. “Do these look like the purchases of a pregnant woman?” she said a bit more acerbically than she intended, but his question hurt as she felt he did not trust her.

Wolfgang felt his cheeks heating up. He was sorry he brought it up as it appeared his fear was unfounded and now she was upset. “No… I’m sorry, please forgive me for asking.” He sighed. “Anyway, why the…?” Wolfgang gestured towards the pregnancy test.

“First of all,” Amber said, “if I was pregnant, you would be the first to know, after I hang Bernd upside down from the tree out back naked by his scrotum, second, I don’t know. He was supposed to be buying things for a school project he’s doing with Tino, but I don’t see why a pregnancy test would be part of it.”

“I see.” Wolfgang got up and left the kitchen. He walked over to the stairs leading to the upstairs bedrooms. “Didi! Come here!” He went back to the kitchen and sat down at the table.

“Coming, Vati!” Dieter left his room and headed downstairs.

Amber picked up the box of condoms and the Plan B and put them back into her bag.

Wolfgang finished his sandwich and drank his coffee while he waited.

Dieter hurried into the kitchen. “Vati?”

“What’s this for?” Wolfgang picked up the pregnancy test.

Dieter frowned. “My project. We need to write about how we’d feel if our partner was pregnant. And it’s a combined study this semester as we’re learning about reproduction in both health and biology, Vati. So I bought a pregnancy test and Tino was coming over later so we could work on it.”

Wolfgang blinked. He rubbed tiredly between his eyes as he tried to remember what Bernd did for this unit, but all he could come up with was he did not do as well on it as expected and had repeated it in summer school.

“Didi, they give you a flour sack and you treat it like a baby,” Amber said.

“Really?” Dieter thought it over. “Anyway, Amber, did they put my baby magazine in your bag by mistake? I can’t find it.”

“It’s on the table.”

“Thanks.” He picked it up. “I know, but for bio, we need to do a report on the whole thing. You know, like keep a journal and everything. Bernd was going to help me with the journal.”

“Didi, my brother and I had the same class as did Bernd and Denis. James and I got an A; Denis and Bernd failed. Which one of us are you going to listen to?”

“You, but he’s good at journaling. Bernd did pass that part.”

“Just barely because of all the unnecessary crap he put in it.” She rolled her eyes. “So, why a pregnancy test?”

“Bernd said I’d get extra credit if I brought one in.”

“Why on earth would you need extra credit?”

Dieter frowned. “Bernd said it’s good in case you need it…”

Wolfgang sighed. “Bernd isn’t as good a student as you are, so he’d need it.”

“And besides,” Amber said, “you and Tino are both boys.”

“I know that.” Dieter blushed. “But Bernd said the project was very hard and we’d need the extra credit.”

Amber rolled her eyes. “Didi, do you know why they failed?”

Dieter shook his head “no.”

“Their ‘baby’ died in a fiery motorbike accident. Didi, that project is almost completely pass or fail. The baby survives, you pass.”


“Yeah. Different elements of it are graded like the journal, but basically, if you don’t kill the baby, you’re fine.”

Wolfgang rubbed tiredly between his eyes. “Yes. Didi, do you remember when your brother broke his arm?”

“Yeah. That’s how he broke it?” His father nodded at him. Dieter looked over at Amber and said, “Oh.” He frowned. “Then why’d he tell me it was hard?”

“You have met your brother. And he was raising a fake baby with Denis.”

“Because a funeral for a sack of flour, while original still means the baby died, so a failing grade,” Wolfgang said. He wondered when his youngest became as dense as his brother.

In a move that made him look like a younger version of his father, Dieter covered his face with his hand and sighed.

“If you really want extra credit, go to the guidance counselor and check out one of the fake babies that cry and have to be fed, and wets itself. The baby has a recorder in the back that records how long the baby was left crying and it only cries for reasons a real baby would; it fell, needs food, needs to be put to sleep, and has to have a diaper change. It’s harder than the flour sack and they are expensive so the school only has a couple of them to check out,” Amber said. She chuckled at the memory of Bernd trying to check out a fake baby, it was by a sheer stroke of luck that the school did not have any more at the time for him, because of what he had done to the flour baby.


“I was just remembering the video your brother and Denis made and presented to the class.” She laughed. “As sad as it was supposed to have been, it was actually very funny, with Denis throwing himself on the casket as the emotional grieving mother and poor Bernd trying to be the strong supportive father as well as the cameraman.”

Dieter snickered. “Oh yeah… I remember that now! Anyway, I think Tino would like checking out the real fake baby. We can switch off taking care of it, right?”

“Oh good, and uh, Didi, I’m not helping. The point is for you to learn how to take care of a baby and to realize how hard it is. And yeah, like a real couple with a baby that lives apart.” She smiled.

Dieter nodded. “Okay.”

“You still want to do it?”

“Vati, do you still want me to return the pregnancy test?”

Amber sighed upon hearing that, as Dieter was supposed to be the smart one.

Wolfgang also sighed for much the same reason. “What do you think?”

“Okay, Vati, but they won’t let me return the magazines.”

“The magazine might be helpful; so it’s good you have to keep them.”

Dieter gathered the magazines together. “Good, because I wanted to read them anyway.”

Wolfgang, feeling a bit better about the whole thing, got up from the table. He picked up his plate and put it in the sink.

“Oh-kay…” Amber said. She was busy making herself some lunch, having given up on going out with Bernd, when he entered the kitchen.

“Hey there… You ready to go to lunch, Amber, I’m hungry.” Bernd spotted the pregnancy test and picked up. “What’s this?”

Amber reached across the table and grabbed one of her magazines. Rolling it up, she bopped Bernd on the nose with it. “Bad, Bernd!”

“Hey!” He rubbed his nose.

Dieter rolled his eyes and plucked the pregnancy test out of his brother’s hands.

“You nearly gave your father a heart attack,” Amber scolded.

Bernd frowned. “I did?” he glanced over at his father. “What’d I do now?”

Wolfgang heaved a long suffering sigh. He could not even begin to explain it without his blood pressure going sky high.

“You told your brother to buy a pregnancy test and Vati thought it was mine.”

“Yeah?” Bernd smirked.

“It’s not funny, Bernd,” his father said.

Amber bopped him on the nose again. “Bad, Bernd.”

Bernd frowned. “Maybe we should keep it…? You know, just in case?”

She bopped him on the nose for the third time.

“If that happens,” Wolfgang said, “I’ve been informed that you’ll be strung up by your balls outside. I might even help Amber.”

She gave Bernd a no-nonsense look. “Exactly.”

He paled even more than normal. “You wouldn’t…”

Wolfgang said, “Try me.” He looked like he meant it too and Bernd found his hands straying to cover his crotch.

“Bernd, you know me,” Amber said, “And you know when I’m kidding.”

He winced. “OUCH!”

“So learn how to be a man and behave, son.”

“This is why I make you wear condoms,” Amber added.


Wolfgang stood there, covering his face with his hand as he tried hard to remember if he or his wife had dropped Bernd on his head when he was a baby.

Amber shook her head at him. “Anyway, I need you to put that stuff on my back before you eat lunch, Prissy,” she said, calling him by the pet name her brother James had given him.

“Oh, okay, but I thought we were going out to lunch.” Bernd grinned.

Wolfgang picked up a magazine, quickly rolled it up, and whacked his son with it. “Behave, Bernhard!”


Dieter stood there, trying hard not to laugh at the trouble his brother found himself in without even trying. He was glad Bernd was taking the teasing well as everyone tended to act like they were walking on eggshells with him, since no one knew what could set him off. Dieter hated living in the “war zone” that generally followed one of his brother’s outbursts. For now, he was going to embrace the peace and he hoped it would last.

“Go wash your hands,” Amber said as she rummaged in her purse for the little stick of balm she used on her tattoo. Bernd nodded and walked over to the sink and washed his hands. When he came back, she handed him the balm she had found and turned away from him. Holding her hair out of the way, she leaned slightly forward so he could apply it.

Bernd did as he was told, covering the tiny black outline of the Jägermeister logo with the balm. He still thought she should have had “Property of Bernd” tattooed on her arse. He mentally shrugged when he recalled her reasons against it. Besides, her new piercing was a better option anyway and she did promise him he could help her with taking care of it until it healed.

“Thank you.” Amber held her hand out for the stick of balm.

“You're welcome.” Bernd handed it back.

“I’m going to go read my magazines.” Amber got up and gathered her stack of them in her arms.

Bernd reached out to grab her arm as she passed him. “I need lunch.”

Amber sighed. As skinny as he was and as awesome as it was to hear him say he was hungry, there was only so much mothering she was going to spoil him with. “You have two unbroken arms,” she said, prompting him to whine like a two year old. “Don’t be such a baby,” Amber gently admonished him as she continued on her way to the living room.

“Bernd, behave,” his father said as he left the kitchen for the sanctuary of his study.

He pouted and grumbled as he hunted around the kitchen for something to eat. He was about to settle for a bowl of cereal, when he noticed his brother was still there. “Didi?”

“Don’t look at me,” Dieter said. He grabbed his baby magazines and the pregnancy test. “Hey, Bernd?”

“Yeah?” Bernd opened the cabinet and took out a box of cereal.

“You think you can drive me back to the store when you’re done eating? I need to return this.”

“Yeah.” He got out a bowl and the milk, and made a bowl of his favorite cereal. After putting the milk away, he picked up the bowl and headed to the living room, his brother following along behind him. Once there, he flopped down on the sofa next to Amber, careful not to spill the cereal.

“We’re going to the store when I’m done eating to return the P-test. You wanna come with?”

“No, I’m kinda tired, Sweetie,” Amber said. She looked up from her magazine. “I’m surprised they didn’t make more of a fuss about a fifteen year old boy buying a pregnancy test.”

“But I don’t look fifteen,” Dieter said.

“He’s got a point,” Bernd said between bites.

“Yeah, but how many guys do you think buy a pregnancy test? I’m willing to bet it’s about as many as buy tampons.”

“Oh…” Dieter blushed.

Bernd smirked and shoveled a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. He thought it was cool some cute cashier thought his baby brother needed a pregnancy test.

Amber shook her head at him. “Oh, Bernd?”

“What?” he mumbled around a mouthful of cereal.

“You still serious about wanting to do the… uh, maintenance for my, uh… adornment?”

Bernd grinned. “Yeah!” he set his nearly empty cereal bowl down. “So what do I do?”

“Well, most of the stuff is in that Tupperware container.” She reached over, and picking it up, handed it to him. “You have to clean it twice a day, I need to take those vitamins, and if it gets swollen or infected, we need to use the icepack or the tea bags on it depending.”

“Okay. You want me to wash my hands again?”

“Yeah, but you can finish eating first.” No sooner had the words left her mouth, than Bernd was shoveling his cereal in. Amber mentally shook her head at him. “So you want to so the rinse or spray?”

“Can I do both?” Bernd brought the bowl up to his lips and drank the remaining milk out of it.

“Not in the same session. Over washing is bad,” Amber gently admonished.

“Oh, okay… You just tell me what to do!”

Amber frowned. “You want to hold the eye cup on it, or poke it with a Q-tip?”

Bernd grinned at her. “Tough choice… Poke it?”


He handed the Tupperware container back.

Amber opened it and looked inside. “We’re going to need Q-tips and you need clean hands and where do you want to do it?”

“Ummm… I was thinking here, but maybe we should go back to the kitchen so Vati doesn’t see.”

“Okay, so you're going to spray it with the saline solution and rub the solution around the holes with the Q-tips,” Amber said as they headed back to the kitchen. Once there, Bernd put his bowl in the sink and washed his hands. When they were dry, she handed him the spray bottle.

Bernd took it. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Amber pulled down the top of her vintage slip dress down on the one side, exposing her breast. Wishing he would hurry up and clean her piercing before his father came back, she looked up to catch him admiring the view. She stared at him until she caught his eye. Amber raised an eyebrow at him.

Bernd, who loved the sight of her naked breast, pulled himself together just long enough to squeak, “Ready?”


It was all Dieter could do not to laugh at them. While he did agree with his brother that Amber had nice breasts and any opportunity to look at them naked was a treat, he found it more fun to watch his brother.

Grabbing a wad of paper towels, Bernd sprayed Amber’s breast with the saline solution. Setting the bottle down, he picked up a Q-tip and gingerly poked around her piercing with it. Amber, who was holding her breast up, sighed and hoped he was actually getting it clean. Bernd for his part really was trying his best.

Amber looked up Bernd and mentally shook her head at him. His look of fierce determination was belied by the way he was cautiously poking around and it was all she could do not to laugh when she caught Dieter’s eye. She smiled as the poor thing was nearly wetting himself, while trying hard to keep quiet. Refocusing her gaze on Bernd, she wondered if this was some demented form of getting him a pet in order to teach him responsibility as he seemed to be taking things very seriously for a change.

“I think I’m done,” Bernd said, hoping it was clean. He thought her new piercing was hot and he could not wait until it was completely healed so he could play with her breast. He wondered if he could get her some pretty jewelry for it.

Amber kissed him. “Thanks.”

Bernd kissed her back. “You’re welcome.”

“Your rock candy’s on the table.”

“You got me rock candy?” Bernd’s face lit up.

Amber thought he looked like a little boy, further reinforcing the idea that her nipple piercing was a pet designed to get him to learn some responsibility. “Of course.” She shook her head at him when he smiled and kissed her cheek, mumbling his thanks, before sticking the candy in his mouth. Amber smiled and pulling up the top of her dress, she tucked her breast back in.

Dieter sighed softly. He hoped no one realized he was watching what was going on, instead of reading his baby magazines. He blushed when his brother smirked at him.

“Bernd, your bed safe?”

“Yeah. I washed my sheets yesterday. Why?”

“I thought I’d take my boots off and nap in your bed while you take Didi to the store,” Amber said. She was finding it hard to adjust to not having a morning job anymore. She also figured if she told him she was waiting for him in his room, Bernd would not take forever at the store.

“Okay.” Bernd played with the stick of rock candy in his mouth. “You ready to go, Bruder?”


Bernd took the candy out of his mouth. Leaning in, he kissed Amber’s cheek. “Catch you later, Amber.”

“Bye, Amber,” Dieter said as he stuffed the pregnancy test back in the bag.

“Bye, drive carefully,” she said, giving Bernd the “I want you” look, reinforcing the idea that he should hurry up.

He sighed and gave her the “I wish I wasn’t playing chauffeur” look. Bernd smiled when she did and said, “Will do! Let’s go, Didi.”

“Bye and don’t get in trouble, you two!”

“We won’t!” Bernd called out as he was leaving.

“I’ll make sure he behaves, Amber!” Dieter said as his brother dragged him towards the door and out of the house.

Amber laughed as she watched them go. Leaning over, she took off her boots. Picking up a magazine, she headed upstairs to Bernd’s room. While she made herself at home in his bed, the brothers drove to the pharmacy. When they got there, Bernd parked the car and the two of them got out and went inside.

They got in line and waited. Bernd ate his candy and Dieter stood there, hoping to get the little old lady, who had checked him and Amber out earlier. Unfortunately, she was still busy when another cashier became free and instead of waiting for her, they walked over to the free cashier. Dieter put the pregnancy test on the counter and said, “I want to return this.”

The cashier looked at the pregnancy test, looked at him, looked at the pregnancy test again, and back at him. “You have a receipt?”

“Yeah…” Dieter looked in the bag, but could not find it. He glanced around at the floor in case he dropped it, but came up empty handed. “I did, I just bought it twenty minutes ago.”

“He did.” Bernd added.

“Can’t do anything without a receipt.” She looked over at the line of people behind them and was about to call one of them over, having finished with the brothers, when Bernd spoke.

“Look, it’s unopened and even has your price tag on it.”

“Yeah, but without the receipt the computer can’t process it.” She smiled. “Sorry.”

Bernd groaned. “You’re gonna make me drive home to get it, aren’t you?”

“Well, I could call a manager,” the cashier said, while giving them her “but going home for the receipt might be quicker” look.

“Why don’t you call them, Sweetheart?” Bernd flashed his best charming smile at her.

The cashier was not amused and her expression showed it. She did click on the intercom, when she realized Bernd was not going to go away, and said, “Manager to register six, manager to register six, thank you.” She switched off her light and waited.

Bernd grinned at her.

Dieter sighed and pulled his brother aside. “Can’t you go home and get it?”


Dieter growled softly and wished their father had taken him to the pharmacy instead. He had the feeling it was going to be a long wait and he wanted to get home so he could finish reading his magazines.

The cashier stood there, humming the Jeopardy theme song while they waited. She had warned them it was going to take a while, but she enjoyed her impromptu break. The pink-haired charmer may have been unfazed by the wait as evident by the way he calmly ate his candy, but the taller blond he was with was starting to get embarrassed from the dirty looks the other customers were giving them, which the cashier found amusing.

Just as Dieter was going to start begging his brother to please go home and look for the receipt along with a promise to buy out the store’s supply of rock candy, the manager sauntered over to them. Dieter was so relieved he could have kissed the man. His brother on the other hand, he was ready to kill for insisting on waiting.

“So what’s up?” the manager said to the cashier.

“He wants to return a pregnancy test without a receipt.”

Dieter felt his cheeks heating up even more and Bernd’s smirk was not helping the situation at all. If it was not for the fact that it would probably have caused a bigger scene, Dieter would have decked his brother. “Yeah…” He handed the pregnancy test over to the manager. “I was in here earlier. I bought that and some magazines. I must have forgotten the receipt at home.”

“Yeah,” Bernd added helpfully.

The manager heaved a long suffering sigh. He wished the local frat-boys would go bother his competition with their stupid hazing nonsense. He made a mental note to himself that the next guy that walked in and tried to return a box of tampons without a receipt that they would be out of luck. “Which cashier did you use?”

“That one.” Dieter pointed to the old lady, who was two registers over.

“Come on,” the manager said. He waved them over as he hurried over to that register.

The brothers followed.

“You remember him from earlier?” the manager said to the old cashier.

She briefly looked over at the brothers. “No.”

Dieter blinked. “But you rang me and his girlfriend up this morning.”

The old biddy smiled sweetly at them. “I’m sorry, kid, I don’t remember you.”

“How can you forget? We were the only people there this morning and you were the only register open,” Dieter insisted.

She frowned. “Do you know how many people have been through this line today?”

“Five?” Bernd said. “It’s not that busy on a Sunday morning.”

The old woman narrowed her eyes at him. “Didn’t we have trouble with you and a group of your little friends a couple years back?” she said sternly.

Bernd gave her his best charming smile. “Me? No…”

“Yeah, you and that fruity long-haired kid and that charmer that used to always come in for those weird chocolate pops when we had them.” She shook her finger at him.

“Oh yeah…” Bernd grinned. “Anyway, you remember something that happened when I was twelve, but you can’t remember something that happened twenty minutes ago?”

She gave a look that said, “How much trouble do you want to start kid?”

Bernd, not to be out done, gave her his best cute and innocent look, especially since the manager was watching their whole exchange. As far as he was concerned if the old biddy got in trouble for being obnoxious to them, it would serve her right, for giving him and his friends a hard time every time they walked in there when they were younger.

She merely arched an eyebrow at him, while waiting for the manager to tell them to get lost. Glancing at her watch, she noticed she was five minutes late for her break and she was not happy about that.

Bernd grinned at her, when it hit him. “You might remember my girlfriend, if not my brother. Pretty girl with long, curly, blue hair?” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone. He quickly scanned the pictures for one of Amber that he could show the old biddy without her having a heart attack on him and calling him a pervert. Finding one, he said, “Here, look,” as he held up his phone for her to see.

Dieter felt a moment of panic over what his brother was showing her, until he realized his brother may not be the brightest at times, but he was not stupid when it counted.

The old lady’s expression brightened. “Her, I remember.” She smiled. “Surprisingly sweet that one. Kinda seems like she mentioned someone was with her…”

“Good enough for me,” the manager said as he tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Come on.” He waved for Bernd and Dieter to follow him over to the customer service desk.

“Thank you,” Bernd said as he grabbed his brother by the arm and dragged him over there.

The manager stood there, filling out the manual return paperwork. The brothers waited patiently for him to finish. Bernd ate his candy while perusing a woman’s magazine that was laying there. Dieter wished the man would hurry up. He hated drawing attention to himself and he wanted to get out there quickly as he thought he saw someone he knew from school. Just when Dieter thought he could not wait any longer without exploding, the manger had him fill out the rest of the form and sign it. A few minutes later, he had the money in his hand and was ready to go, much to his relief.

Bernd was also getting antsy. He figured he would do a little “shopping” while he was there and pick up another box or two of condoms. “Wait here,” he said to his brother.

Dieter heaved a long suffering sigh. “Now, what?”

“I need to get something.”


Bernd strolled over to the family planning aisle. He was annoyed to find all the condoms locked up. He could understand certain over the counter medications being locked up, and razors and blades, but he thought locked up condoms were the height of stupidity. Especially, since they left out tubes of expensive lipsticks, that anyone with half a brain cell could easily shoplift. He stalked back to his brother. Getting the girl at the customer service desk’s attention, he said, “Can someone unlock the case with the condoms?”

The girl at customer service was finishing the paperwork with the manager. She looked up at Bernd’s question and gave him an incredulous look. He had just returned a pregnancy test and now he was buying condoms? She muttered, “Idiot,” just under her breath as she slipped the completed return item form into her register. She was saved from dealing with Bernd by the manager.

“Sure,” he sighed. Anything to get you two out of here… Getting the keys from the girl, he walked over to the family planning aisle with Bernd.

“Thanks!” Bernd said as he followed him over to the display. “I want two boxes of those,” he said when the manager opened the case, pointing to a box of colorful, ribbed for her pleasure condoms.

The manager grabbed the two boxes and handed them to him. “Anything else?”

“Nope and thank you,” Bernd said. He was on his best behavior, although, he knew he was being a bit of a pest. He carried them over to where his brother was waiting. “You get your money back?”


Before he disappeared into the back room, the manager, who could not wait to get them out of his store, said, “Are you two sure you don’t need anything else?”

Bernd grinned. “Nope… Can’t think of a thing.”

Dieter shook his head. “Let’s go, Bruder.”

“I have to pay for this first, Didi. You want some candy?”

“Have a good day!” the manager said as he headed towards the back of the pharmacy.

“Thanks, you too!” Bernd called out to him.

“Come, Bruder, I want to go!”

“Okay, okay!” Bernd quickly grabbed some more rock candy and a candy bar for Amber. He stood in line to pay and it was not long before the two of them were back in the car on their way home.

Back at the house, Wolfgang was in the living room, reading. Since he did not get any frantic phone calls, he assumed things had gone well and his children would be home soon.

Amber was upstairs napping in Bernd’s room while she waited for him to get back. She loved napping in his bed as it was naughty, but not. His room was also much warmer than her room in the basement, which also made it nice for napping.

Outside, Prussia pulled up and parked his car. He got out with his brother and walked up to the house. Opening the door, the two of them went inside. “Hey, Vati!” Bernd called out. “We’re back!” He took his purchases upstairs to his room, while Dieter went to the living room to read, where his father was reading.

“I got my money back, Vati.”

Wolfgang looked up from his book. “Good.” He smiled at his youngest, before going back to reading.

Dieter came over and sat on the opposite end of the sofa. He picked up one of his baby magazines. Flipping through it, he found an interesting article and began to read.

Bernd quietly entered his room. He spotted Amber, lying on his bed, and setting his bag on his desk, he tiptoed over to the bed. He carefully crawled into bed, spooning in behind her. He froze when she stirred, afraid he had woke her up, but he soon relaxed when she settled back in. Bernd put an arm around her and snuggled against her. He loved it when she snuggled back and he wondered if she would like to try out one of his new purchases.

Amber was sound asleep and having an erotic dream. She sighed happily as her dream-self was pleasured. She mumble in her sleep, “THERE…” and continued mumbling softly, although Bernd was hard pressed to understand her.

“Hunh?” he murmured.

Amber made happy noises in reply as she squirmed against him. Bernd liked that and so did his cock. The more she squirmed against him, the harder he grew, and when she moaned in her sleep, it was all he could do not to moan too. When Amber got a bit louder, Bernd started to worry. He wondered if she was alright and if her new piercing was hurting her. Just then, she turned over, arching her back, and Bernd took advantage of it. He slid his hand up and cupped her unpierced breast. She moaned as he fondled it. Wiggling against it, Amber woke up a bit, despite the soft, soothing noises Bernd made. Her eyes fluttered open and he smiled at her.

“Hey…” Amber said sleepily.

Bernd nuzzled her. “What…?”

She wiggled again. “How much of that was you and how much was me?”

He smirked. “About half.”

“You’ve been home that long?” Amber frowned. Her outrage from the implied amount of sleep molestation had not yet kicked in as her brain was still clouded by sleep.

“Yeah…” Bernd smiled at her. “I got you some candy.”

“Yeah?” Amber smiled at him.

He nodded. “I got you some of those candy bars you like… and something else.” His smile morphed into a grin.

Amber was not awake enough to play his games. “Oh… thanks. Can we have sex first?”

Bernd blinked. He could not believe she said that. “Uh, sure…” he said as he rolled over and got out of bed. He hurried over to his desk and grabbed the bag, before quickly coming back to bed. He lay there, and opening the bag, he took out the box of condoms. “You wanna try these?”

Amber snorted in reply.

“Yes? Or no?”

“I bought those earlier.” Amber chuckled.

Bernd laughed. “No shit!”

“Yeah…” Amber hiked up her dress and wriggled out of her panties, while Bernd wriggled out of his jeans and boxers. He tossed them onto the floor along with her panties. Feeling lazy, Amber also pulled the top of her slip dress down just far enough to free her breasts.

Bernd was enjoying the “view.” He wanted to explore her body, but settled on carefully cupping the boob with the piercing. “Does that still hurt?”

“Little bit. I think I was rubbing it on the mattress in my sleep.”

“Oh… Can I kiss it and make it better?”

Amber smiled. “That sounds so good…”

“Okay.” Bernd leaned in and gently kissed it.

Amber moaned softly. She was very “horndoggie,” as they liked to put it, from her dream. She arched and spread her legs when he cupped her other breast. Bernd grinned up at her. He let go of her breast and moved to settle between her legs. Parting her folds, he kissed her there and she moaned loudly. Bernd licked her there and she tried humping his face. He chuckled and tongued the sensitive nub of flesh.

“Quit teasing!” Amber whined. She was very aroused by his actions and she needed to be fucked through the mattress, bed frame, floor below, and possibly further than that. As much as she loved it when he pleasured her orally, she wanted something more.

“Okay.” Bernd smirked up at her. He sat up and reached for the box of condoms. Taking one out, he managed to not only get the package open without ripping it, but he somehow managed to unroll the undamaged condom onto to his cock. “You ready?”

“Yes.” Amber tried pulling him closer with her feet. Her voice low and husky with desire, she purred, “Now, ride me like a rented scooter already.”

He snorted. “Yes, ma’am!” Bernd lined himself up and slid his cock inside. He could not believe how wet she was and he moaned at how good it felt as he got his rhythm going. Amber locked her heels behind his butt as she moaned too. It spurred him on and he did his best to pleasure her. She was so close to climaxing, and yet, he had barely started.

Bernd wondered what had gotten into her, not that he was complaining. The happy noises she made and the way she fisted the sheets and arched her back, only made him try harder. He sped up for a bit and she climaxed, only to slow it down to several teasingly slow thrusts, despite her whimpering pleas to go faster. He wanted to last as long as he could, but he was also getting close. Unable to resist her pleas, Bernd sped up again. Amber climaxed with a loud cry, while he kept going. He was rushing towards his own release as he struggled to prolong the moment. Unable to, Bernd started to cum. Amber panted as he pounded away; she was starting to cum again. Bernd was oblivious to everything but the little waves of pleasure in his cock. They climaxed together and joined as one, they panted. Resting his forehead on hers, Bernd whined when she unhooked her legs from him.


Bernd nuzzled her cheek. “What?”

Amber nuzzled him back. She shrugged in reply.

“No, what?”

“You made an unhappy noise.”

“Oh…” Bernd said. “That’s cuz I like when you rub my back afterwards.”

“I’m sorry.” Amber kissed him.

“It’s okay, he murmured against her lips. He kissed her again as she wrapped her arms around him, giving his back a bit of a rub. Bernd loved her so much it hurt and moments like this were like gravy to him. Not really needed, but they made everything better. He deepened the kiss.

Amber kissed him back just as deeply. She loved him too and for some reason she could not get enough of him today. As they kissed she wondered how soon it would be before he was ready to do it again. She debated with herself as to whether or not she should ask him. She watched as he pulled out and rolled off her to grab a tissue for the used condom.

Bernd blushed when he took it off and wrapped it the tissue. He could feel her looking at him and he wondered what she wanted. Thinking she wanted to cuddle, he lay back down next to her and snuggled closer. Amber snuggled with him. She was still feeling horny, but was more sated now than when she had woke up. Still, she wanted more and when he wrapped his arms around her, she titled her face up and kissed him. Bernd deepened it. When they came up for air, she said, “I wish Vati wasn’t home.”

“Yeah? Why?” Bernd nuzzled her.

“So we could just be naked and lazy and loud and just have sex all day.”

Bernd blinked. He wondered if he was dreaming as she was never like this, especially after they had just had sex. Normally one or two times at the most, were enough to sate them both and calm their raging hormones. “Yeah…”

Amber sighed softly. She shifted in his arms, pressing her breasts against him. Bernd moaned softly. He was getting hard again from the attention.

“Sit up.” When she did, he did as well and with a bit of help, he pulled her dress up over her head, tossing it aside. Bernd watched as she lay back down and posed seductively for him. Reaching between her legs and fondling her folds, Bernd very quickly got hard again. Amber, wanting to touch him, put the condom on him, before lying back down on the bed. She spread her legs and he got between them, pushing inside. This time, they took things slow and easy. When they climaxed, both were feeling a lot more sated than they had the first time around. They got under the covers and cuddled together, basking in their sexual high. Bernd was feeling sleepy, and despite his efforts to stay awake, he drifted off to sleep. Amber held him close and watched him sleep. Feeling sleepy, she hoped Vati would not come up to check on them. The one time he had, he had caught them naked in bed, and assuming the worse on his part, gave them a rather embarrassing and awkward lecture. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of that as well as the awkwardness that had resulted because of the pregnancy test. That led to some naughty thoughts about Bernd and what she wanted to do to him. Sighing softly, she let her imagination run while as she drifted off to sleep.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 12th, 2015 07:27 pm (UTC)
Oh my, poor Didi and Vati Wolfie! - everyone's blood pressure is getting a workout in this tale! :D Ah jeez, Bernd, such a dude you are sometimes! But I loved the slice-of-life and the happy (happy) ending - great job you too! :D
Aug. 12th, 2015 10:25 pm (UTC)
Yeah! XD Don't let the pink hair fool you, he's all guy. ;p

Thanks! I'm sooo glad you did! :D
Aug. 13th, 2015 12:51 pm (UTC)
Oh, don't I know it... being a dude is such a guy-thing. XD I like him; he's sweet and strange in all the right ways. He and Amber are a very sweet, fragile couple.

Yup - I totally did! XD
Aug. 13th, 2015 04:58 pm (UTC)
*nods* Yeah? Awe...Thank you! Yeah... :D

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


the Duchess of Crack! and the Queen of Fluff

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