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Cross-posted from Madrona Project

Title: If I was Queen (By Delphine Cartier)
Land: Capitol
Prompt: King or Queen challenge
Medium: ficcage
Word Count: 687
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Summary/Preview: An unhappy student’s essay about being Queen…
Notes: Special thanks to Vexed Wench for pinking this for me. Also, please note “whore” was intentionally misspelt. as my 12 year old persona, Delphine Cartier, has no clue how to spell it.

If I was Queen
By Delphine Cartier

If I was Queen, I’d throw Sister Immaculada in the dungeon for making us do this stupid assignment. All my sister Eloise wants do as Queen is give all the girls in the land pretty dresses to wear and make all the boys knights. Can you imagine pimply-faced Tommy Green the grocer’s son as Sir Turnip of Nothingham? Seriously, I think I’d throw my sister in the dungeon too!

And if I was Queen, I’d make my stupid brother Robert stop teasing me, or else! And his stupid friend Paul!! They’re so annoying! I’d also have a law that says Mommies can’t make you eat all your vegetables, especially the nasty green ones, and Daddies wouldn’t have to work so hard!

If I was Queen, I’d throw that smarmy old Margret Newton with her pretty hair and perfect teeth in the dungeon or the hore-house, where all the bad girls go according to old Nanny Whitcomb, because she’s a pain in the butt! And I’d toss old Nanny in there too for putting me over her boney old knees, lifting my skirts, and smacking my butt in front of my sister Evangeline and her stupid friends because I said she’d end up there for being bad! If hore-house is such a bad word, why’d she say it all the time?

And if I was Queen, I’d make it so that those who want to sit and read can, and those who want to do math can if we don’t want to do it, we don’t have to! And I’d make a law that unicorns and dragons are real! Well unicorns are real, I heard Daddy tell Mommy that. He said some duke and duchess gave one to some Swan guy in some weird place where everyone runs around naked. I remember Mommy was shocked to hear that and then she got mad when I asked her for a unicorn. I really, really want one! Queens can have whatever they want, right? Like shaved ice and fruit juice for breakfast, and pudding for dinner. And unicorns!

If I was Queen, I’d make more holidays like Vine-fest where everyone can go if they want. And I’d make it so people don’t get sick and when they do, the doctor tells them to eat shaved ice and fruit juice for a week! And then they get better. I’d also make it a law that you can have a pet dog and they could sleep in bed with you, because fleas would be against the law.

And if I was Queen, I’d take all the kids that are good for boat rides around the harbor. I’d also give gold to the nice people like Daddy and the fancy lady that bought me more rock sugar on a stick because I was crying when Robert stole mine. She was so pretty and she smelled nice too. I think if I was Queen I’d make it so I can be a fancy lady too, because they were all nice until old Nanny yelled at them and chase them away. I know it’s nice to swear, but if old Nanny had smacked my butt, I swore I’d hit her right back! Luckily all she did was shake me until my teeth rattled in my head! You know what? If I was Queen, I’d make a law so that someone would tell me what a hore-house is and why it’s so bad and why’s it so bad to be a fancy lady.

So maybe being Queen isn’t so bad after all. I could live in the palace and make laws and have fun! And maybe I wouldn’t throw Sister Immaculada in the dungeon, she did tell Margaret to stop showing off this morning and give someone else a chance to answer the question. And old Nanny did fix the hole in my dolly. Robert and Eloise are still pains and so is my big sister Josephine, who’s getting married next week to some old guy Daddy works with. They still deserve to go to the dungeon. Margaret too!


the Duchess of Crack! and the Queen of Fluff

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